Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I did not marry a roomba.
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