can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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