what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
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she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
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Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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