I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I want to be your penis for a week.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
