Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
