I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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