I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
