I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
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I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
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MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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