I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
