It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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