So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
