I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
