im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
