I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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