so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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