Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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