New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
