I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You can't special order awesome
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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