i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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