Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
