Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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