you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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