Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
sex in a hospital.. check
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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