I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
