I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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