so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
