mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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