I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
