the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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