I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
