Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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