My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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