his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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