Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
