Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
