I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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