I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
she peed on how many people?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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