you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
