i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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