Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
