dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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