Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
