C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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