connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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