oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
