he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
