he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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