i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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