Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
