whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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