More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
