peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
