I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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