Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
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I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
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i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
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