There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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