I faked an abortion last night.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Randomize