from now on my penis is your penis
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
