i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
