If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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