I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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