I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
