Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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