Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
