I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
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I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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