Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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