Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
