I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
